


In Reverse

by morifantra (martainducreff)



Category: Pride (2014)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Dream Sequence, Funerals, HIV/AIDS, M/M, Major Illness, Major character death - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-03
Updated: 2015-01-03
Packaged: 2018-03-05 03:18:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 739
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3103580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/martainducreff/pseuds/morifantra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Fear keeps us focused on the past or worried about the future. If we can acknowledge our fear, we can realize that right now we are okay. Right now, today, we are still alive, and our bodies are working marvelously. Our eyes can still see the beautiful sky. Our ears can still hear the voices of our loved ones."</p><p>- Thich Nhat Hanh</p>
            </blockquote>





	In Reverse

It’s all a flash of moments, as if someone is projecting snapshots of a movie on the back of Jonathan’s eyelids. The broken condom, the panic, the tourniquet around Gethin’s arm, the metallic clink of their mailbox as the letter arrives.

Not long now.

 

Gethin is weak, feverish and sweaty. He refuses to eat. Jonathan is working on autopilot, although it feels as if he’s not doing anything. He’s just standing while the world around him unfurls into a white, hot blast of pain as Gethin struggles to take a breath.

Not long now.

 

Gethin refuses to go to hospital, because that means they would take him away from Jonathan. So they don’t go to hospital.

 

They’re in their bed. Gethin is barely conscious, his frail body is wrapped up in Jonathan’s arms like a cocoon. Jonathan focuses to feel every hushed inhale and exhale. He doesn’t have any idea of time or space. Not that it matters.

Not long now.

 

“Look, Geth. It’s the sunrise. Imagine how many people are waking up in each other’s arms and watching the sunrise, just like we are right now. It’s a beautiful sunrise, isn’t it beautiful? Just like you, baby, just like you, Geth.”

Gethin doesn’t reply.

 

Steph is the one who finds them, Jonathan clutching Gethin’s body to him, whispering “I love you” over and over again. Every tear feels like a betrayal, the world is fizzing and nothing makes sense, not anymore.

 

Gethin made him promise he wouldn’t do anything stupid. So he doesn’t. His mind flickers to consciousness as he’s standing in front of a grey tombstone. He doesn’t even remember how he got here, he doesn’t remember seeing anyone put the love of his life into the ground. But he knows it happened and everything buzzes as Jonathan falls on his knees the world collapses into itself again.

 

The next thing he knows he’s in their flat. The dust is thick. He touches a hand to his face and feels the lines there.

Gethin’s books are in the flat. Gethin’s clothes. Gethin’s records. The shopping that Jonathan got for Gethin just the week before. Gethin’s, Gethin’s, Gethin’s. The place is soaked in Gethin and Jonathan feels like he’s drowning, and falling, and falling, and falling endlessly.

 

* * *

 

Jonathan's heart is beating like a drum and he’s afraid it’ll leap out of his chest as he blinks back into consciousness. For a moment, he doesn’t register where he is. He only knows it’s dark and warm and he's drenched in sweat. His senses are muted, his body is shaking and he wonders whether this is death. 

It’s not. It’s their bed, in their flat. When Jonathan’s eyes adjust to the soft darkness of the room, he can clearly make out Gethin, asleep right next to him. He lets out a small strangled sob.

Slowly, the world starts fitting back into place. Jonathan watches the rise and fall of Gethin's chest, the curve of his mouth, and his fluttering eyelids. 

It was a dream. It was all a dream. Jonathan's heart is frantically trying to readjust its rhythm. It felt real. The frail touch of Gethin's body, the ground beneath his feet, the dust, the sunrise. It all felt so real but now, as Jonathan thinks back to it, he realises what an uncoordinated set of small realities he's been put through. He rubs at his temples, as if to chase the imagery away from his head. 

As gently as he can, Jonathan moves to wrap his arms around Gethin, trying not to cling to him too much. He doesn't want to wake him up, even if that might help shatter the remnants of the dream - Gethin needs to open the shop early tomorrow and he's not getting enough sleep as it is. Gethin rustles in Jonathan's arms, but fortunately, bless his soul, he's is too tired to register anything. He mumbles something about Jonathan being too warm but still wraps an arm around his waist. Then he falls back to sleep, his breath warm on the skin of Jonathan's neck. Jonathan can still see his face. He looks tired and there are dark circles under his eyes, but he's definitely healthy and alive and whole. 

Jonathan wants to cry.

Instead, he kisses the top of Gethin’s head ever so gently and spends the rest of the night awake, feeling Gethin by his side, warm, breathing and completely, irrefutably alive.

**Author's Note:**

> Writing dream sequences is tricky, I hope I managed. I'm sorry if there weren't enough relevant warnings in the beginning, I didn't want to spoil the ending.


End file.
